Lucky, it's feeding time.

Yep, we got a snake a couple of weeks back as a pet for DJ. The snake was a replacement pet after the parakeet died. I was remiss in my blogging duties, so this may be the first time that you have heard of JD the parakeet. Well, he lived here. Now he's dead. Anyway, DJ got a snake and named it "Lucky", which is a kick-ass name for a snake if you ask me.
When we picked up the snake from the breeder, we had a few questions. I asked the guy what he eats. "Snake chow? Hotdogs?". It turns out that snakes eat mice. In fact, the guy was feeding Lucky dead mice. I thought to myself, "Dead mice huh? Not in my house! We take care of our own around here." I mean seriously, a dead mouse? What fun is that if you're a snake? The way I figure it, life is probably pretty dull when you're basically a tube. Let's mix it up a little, ya know? Give Lucky a thrill or two.
Evidently, Lucky is a coward and/or an idiot. Diane went to the pet store and bought a mouse for Lucky. We had heard that if you place the mouse in the snake's aquarium (or terrarium, or bunk house), the snake will associate your hand with food. Then, every time you stick your hand in there, the snake will think it's feeding time. Of course, it will then bite you repeatedly and without mercy. This is not what we are looking for in a pet. We decided to drop the mouse in a box and then throw Lucky in after it. That way, every time Lucky sees something shaped like a cube, he just starts lashing out and biting at anything that moves. That's pretty safe.
So, we put lucky in the box and then the whole family stood around like Romans at the Coliseum. Here's a little known fact of nature. Snakes have both a top and a bottom. I know this because as soon as the mouse brushed up against him, Lucky immediately rolled onto his back, exposing his fleshy underside. Was he relinquishing dominance? I don't think he wanted his belly scratch. I guess he was just going through a good old fashioned, certified, full-blown panic. He was upside down and wiggin' out.
What's up with that? When you put a mouse and a snake in a box, who is supposed to panic? The food, right? Right! I thought snakes were supposed to be tough. They're cold-blooded after all.
Speaking of cold-blooded, you know who's really tough? Froggy. Remember him? "Froggy went a courtin' and he did ride. Sword and pistol by his side." The frog was packing heat and a blade to go visit somebody that he likes. Imagine the scene that would go down if you met that frog in an alley. Actually, you might luck out because frogs have tiny brains. He may forget to bring his sword and pistol. But then again, any frog that has the where with all to saddle and ride a horse probably plans ahead.
Froggy: Uh oh, I forgot my sword and pistol. (sigh) That's how I roll! Oh well, guess I'll just have to make due with this here leather sap. (whack! whack! whack!)
Guess what? You just got your ass handed to you by a frog with a bag of B-B's. Not so tough now, are ya hot shot?
Where was I?
Oh yeah, the snake that's scared of its food. Well, Lucky is indeed family so I saved him from the mouse. I then dispatched said mouse for him and dropped it into his bunkhouse. No freaking out. No flipping upside down. I figured that Lucky must have been freaked out by the box.
When feeding time rolled around again I thought I'd give Lucky another chance. We just wouldn't stick him in the box. I let Lucky out to roam and dropped another live mouse next to his water dish. Then I put Lucky back in his bunk house.
Here's what I'd like to say happened: Lucky coiled and flicked his tongue menacingly. He reared back almost imperceptibly and became like a statue. The mouse had caught the tiny movement and he froze, unsure of his fate. For one moment they were locked into place. Both seemed to be aware that life and death would be decided in the very next moment. Then Lucky shot out with super-natural speed. The mouse exhaled one last time. Lucky smoothly slipped a coil around the mouse and clenched. The game was done.
However, it went more like this:
Lucky took three laps around the area. Bumped his faced into the glass. Stopped. Whipped around and bit himself. Another little known fact of nature is that mice can laugh.
If you've ever bitten yourself, you know it hurts. I've bitten my own tongue before and don't pretend you haven't done it too. As soon as you realize what's happening...correction...before you realize what's happening, you stop. It's a quick (bite) "OUCH!", and it's over. Not my buddy, Lucky. He had a hold of himself at what I estimate to be his hip and he was not going to let go. He was, in fact, working his jaw back and forth while doing his best to throw a "death coil" around himself. I bet that's a game the snake children play. Kinda like "I bet you can't touch your nose with your elbow." Here's a sentence I would have bet I'd never have to say: Then I reached into the cage and shook the snake until he stopped eating himself.
I think from now on I'm just gonna put mice in the blender and feed Lucky intravenously.
Visitor to my home: How come your snake's got an I.V.
Me: Mind your own business.
Oh well, I think it's important for kids to have pets, even if feeding them is a mix between Saw 2 and the Keystone cops.