It's all about Coast to Coast

I work nights now and I find myself switching through radio stations quite a bit. It's a whole different thing 3:27am. While flipping around I found a really cool...no, the COOLEST radio show in the world. It's called Coast to Coast. It's pretty much a live performance of Weekly World News. That's the publication which broke such important stories as "Bat Boy Escapes!" and "Wolf Man Catches Aides from Romping with Gays in Forest!". Coast to Coast is brought to us by L.A. radio station KFI 640 which is the the same station that also has brings us "The Jesus Christ Show". From what I've heard, that sounds like a pretty good one too. It gives you the opportunity to call in and ask Jesus himself anything you like. I haven't actually listened yet but some day soon I'm gonna call in and ask him how to safely install a door in a load bearing wall. Anyway, Coast to Coast....Ya got yer aliens. Ya got yer ghosts. And, of course, most topics somehow meander their way to the Illuminati. Who are the Illuminati? Why, they're only the most powerful organization in the world. They are evil, malevolent, snarling beasts who run the New World Order which, of course, wants to control and crush you. Kinda like the DMV but they're not as rude. Here's the thing though. I'm kinda diggin' the Illuminati. I mean, if they're that powerful, and that evil, and they want to do a bad thing to me, they would have done it already. Instead I have a job, a house, and two cars. Thank you Illuminati. Thank you for my stuff.
Speaking of stuff, where's my jet pack? They've been promising me a jet pack since the 1950's. The only thing I can come up with for why they don't have them out on the market yet because they aren't fuel efficient enough. I mean, it probably takes like sixty-eight gallons of rocket fuel to hover over a fifty yard line for ten seconds. I think the only way get your hands on a jet pack at this point is to make it yourself. It also has to utilize an alternative fuel. (Which should totally piss off the Illuminati). I'm thinking water and air. Remember those rockets that you put a little water into and pump up? When you push the button, the pressure is released and a jet of pressurized water squirts the rocket straight up. I bet something kinda like that would be cool. The only problem is that it wouldn't have the sustained thrust to hover you gently to work. You would have to bounce on your bicycle pump for about five minutes and then just kinda aim yourself in the direction of your office building. One push of the button and all of the air and water splooshes out in one violent, neck snapping evacuation sending you cart-wheeling end over end through the air to your place of business with a spent canister strapped to your back. It would probably be prudent to make the far wall of your cubicle higher than the rest so that you could "bank shot" yourself into your adjustable office chair. That would be awesome:

(distant popping sound)
Steve the jet pack guy: yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHHH!!!!!!
(THUD!)
Co-worker #1: Steve's here.
Co-worker #2: You're a bad-ass Steve!
Man, I wish I was Steve.
Oh yeah. Another great thing on Coast to Coast was "Big Foot" night. The best part was when some guy from Arkansas called in and wouldn't say his real name. He told a chilling story about the time he and his buddy (who he would only refer to as "Bird Dog") heard something crashing through the bushes one night during a hunting trip. When they looked in the direction of the noise, they saw something moving on two legs not thirty feet away. What did they do? They shot it. Then they buried it. You know what I think? I think No-Name and Bird-Dog bagged a hiker.
No-Name: ....so we just kinda panicked and started shootin'!
Radio Host: Was it doing anything threatening?
No-Name: Well, we thought it was holding some sorta primative weapon like a rock or somethin'. We was a-scared.
Radio Host: And when you got close to the body, what sort of weapon did you find.
No-Name: Well, turned out to be a roll of Charmin.
Radio Host: Interesting. And how much would you say this creature weighed?
No-Name: You mean with it's shoes on?
Ah well, it's a great show and you gotta check it out. Just don't let the Illuminati catch you listening.