Okay, where was I?

Oh yeah, stupid classes, upitty fruit snacks, hitting pigeons with rockets, right.....which brings me to my lawn. Diane's going to have a garage sale next week so my contribution is to make the lawn look like I take care of it. I actually use to love lawn care when we first got our house, pride of ownership and all that. I'm thinking now that the whole "pride of ownership" thing is just an insidious form of socialization. It's just this whole rap we feed each other to keep our neighbors in line. Ever wonder why Toro brand lawn care equipment is red? Communisim. Go ahead! Edge, the sidewalk.... COMRADE! Whatever the political implications, at least most of my lawn looks good. The whole thing doesn't look tip-top though. There is a dry spot because something went wrong with my sprinklers and the timer is screwed up. I'm pretty glad I don't know how to fix it because that would probably take forever.
Oh yeah, another part of the job that doesn't look so hot is a cluster of crab grass tufts growing out of the cracks in the driveway. I whacked at 'em for like fifteen minutes with my "The People's Weed Eater" and I just got them down to a managable size. I stopped because I got bored. It looks like a band of Apaches was running through my yard after attacking Troll Town and were in such a hurry to get away they didn't realize it when they dropped half their troll scalps in front of my house. I just can't be bothered to spend too much time on certain stuff like that. It's a good thing that I dropped out of Plastic Surgery on Peoples' Fingers school a couple of years ago. I'm pretty sure I would have gotten sleepy during operations and closed up shop early so I could go grab an Icee.
Patient: Hey doc, I uh...well, I was hoping I would have more fingers than this.
ME: Dude, how many fingers does one guy need? Every time you look down at your hand and DON'T see a hook, you say, "thank you".
Patient: thank you.
Yeah baby, that would be sweet! I mean bad. Very very bad.
At least I cleaned up the clippings. That part was pretty cool. I hadn't edged for a while and there was, quite possibly, more vegetation on my sidewalk and driveway than on my actual yard. Hence, I swept together a pile of grass rougly the size of me. It was awesome. It kinda looked like Cousin It from the Adams Family had dyed himself green. Then he tripped and conked his head on my cement, lying there, motionless. Then I threw him away.

No big deal. I hear he was a communist.