I'll buy that

We went to Sea World this weekend. It was grand fun. However, I am beginning to wonder what the priority is. Is it sea life and education or vicious practical jokes? Why else would my family be actively encouraged to stick our arms shoulder deep into a tank of sting rays?
Sea World Guy: Stick your hands in there please.
Me: But sir, they're called sting rays.
Sea World Guy: Stick your hands in there!
Family: Okay.
Not only that, but some master prankster came up with the idea of serving beer at this place. If not an unconscionable desire for sick comedy, what in the world would possess a theme park to gleefully pour pale ale down the throats of un-witting dads, and then give them a gentle shove in the direction of a shark tank?
Whatever the motivation, I suppose it's working for them. After all, theme parks all over have their own special hook. Case in point: "Train Town". Diane and I went up to Sonoma for a wedding last weekend. We wanted to do something touristy while up there and we were kind of going back and forth between the state capital and this Train Town place. We're not particularly into trains.....or towns, but we wanted to steer clear of the capital building for fear of learning something. The way things turned out, Train Town proved to be tough to find and the capital is where we ended up. My brain can only handle so much stuff and, as predicted, I learned that the carpet in the state house of commons is green because that's how they do it in England. In order to remember that little gem, I had to jettison my children's middle names. In retrospect that was perhaps not the best decision.
Oh well, you work with what you got.
Back to Train Town and their hook. Actually, the Train Town brochure highlights a couple of selling points. First: "It's one fifth the size of Disneyland!" I am confused by this. Shouldn't they be focusing on stuff that would suggest a large potential for having fun? "We don't have Mickey Mouse, or the Tea Cups, or Space Mountain, or bathrooms, but we're little so you're never far from the exit."
I now present their second selling point: "You'll lose your sense of direction!" Now that, my friends, is what I am talking about. When I lay down my entertainment dollar, I expect nothing short of utter disorientation. Yep, I had a great time whacking myself into a drooling stupor at "Hammer Land USA" last summer. That's what everybody really wants and if someone tells you any different, they are lying. Invite them to your home for a meal. Halfway through one of their amusing stories, burst out of your chair in a fiery rage (knocking over a bowl of peas if possible), pound your fist on the table and yell, "YOOOOOUUUU ARE A DAMNABLE DECEIVER!!!" Then chase them out of your home, cracking a bullwhip behind them. Oh yeah, and lock the door so they have to go out a window. And get it on tape. Then send me the tape so I can add it to my collection. Anyway, I'm sold on the idea of train town and I plan to make it over there the next time I'm up north. I must admit that their brochure hooked me.
I guess that's just how they advertise stuff in that part of the world. In fact, I saw a billboard for a new housing development called "Sunken Valley" or "Raised Hills" or whatever and their slogan was: "Vacations will seem like less fun!". Again, shouldn't they be saying something positive while asking for several hundred thousand of my dollars? Besides, I'd like to see them make good on a promise like that. Perhaps they'll have have some guy follow me around Hawaii for two weeks, tapping me on the back of the head with a teaspoon every thirty seconds or so.
Customer Satisfaction Associate: Tap.......... Tap.......... Tap.......... Tap.......... Tap..........
Me: Would you stop that!!!
Customer Satisfaction Associate: Tap.
Me: (sigh) Boy, where they right.
Maybe I'll move up there and become an advertising agent. I could sell anything on that strategy.
You like milk, right? Buy my milk. You're frickin' hands will fall off.
Need shoes? These beauties right here smell surprisingly foul when they get hot.
Oh yeah, baby. I'm seeing dollar signs already. I got a bunch of stuff I was gonna unload on Ebay but I think instead I'll get to work on some posters and radio spots.