Battle Royale

(ding ding ding ding ding)
Good evening, ladies and gentleman!
In this corner weighing in at .17 ounces and draped in deliciousness...
Prepared to go toe to toe with any other confection.
Pounding competition 'till it loses sense of direction.
Killing all other snacks beyond hope of resurrection.
The sweet.
Not so petite.
Sporting more fat than a wagon of meat.
The Fudge!
Covered!
oooooOOOOOOOOREEEEEEeeeeoooooo!!!!!!!!!!


And in this corner, the grizzled old timer. Weighing a scant .13 ounces but packed with creamy, peanutty, panache.
You've known him since you were two.
Without him you'd wouldn't know what to do.
The Nutter BUTTERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Our contenders confidently sidle up to one another. There will be no backing down in this winner take all grudge match.
The Nutter Butter throws a quick jab of tradition which is immediately turned away by the Oreo's novelty.
Oreo spins, crouches, and leans back. He's striking an early low blow by comparing his smooth exterior to the harsh grid that mars the surface of the Nutter Butter.
The veteran appears un-phased, releases a cascade of childhood memories, and the newfangled treat buckles.
Could this be over already, folks? There was a lot of excitement about this young up-start but it looks as though he....wait! He's getting up and...I can't believe it. Oreo reveals his higher sugar content! Nutter Butter is reeling! He's on the ropes and Oreo is advancing. Oh my word! This could get ugly. Pow! Nutter Butter strikes back and strikes back hard with higher fat content. I didn't think it was possible. It would have been tough to guess that his slender waste belies such an incredible amount of tasty fat! The Oreo looks shocked, bewildered even. I don't think anyone expected that.
Nutter Butter looks like he's getting cocky. He throws out an ingredient. It's real peanuts. That may be a mistake, folks. Nutter Butter is really showing his age. He still thinks that people care if he contains actual food. He's wide open! Oreo slams Nutter Butter with an un-interrupted stream of hydrogenated oil! Its tastiness is undeniable! Nutter Butter is down, ladies and gentlemen! He is down!
As Nutter struggles to regain his feet, Fudge Covered Oreo is prancing around the ring with his sticky sugary hands in the air.
Nutter is up again. He refuses to give in. What in the world is he doing? Nutter Butter is up and appears to be grappling with his seam. Oreo turns to see. The look on his fudge covered face can mean only one thing. He's scared, folks. He knows what's coming and he's scared.
Pow! Nutter Butter, in a gutsy move, has torn himself completely in two! He pulled his signature move, folks! He's exposed his peanut buttery insides and displayed the delicious goo in its fullest glory. None can deny the appeal of that sticky layer. It's a bold move. The peanut butter presentation is a wonderful thing to behold but it leaves Nutter's other half naked and dry to the palate. It's a real gamble. Will it pay off?
Oreo trips. Oreo leans on the ropes. Oreo falls! I think we're at the end. But wait. Oreo struggles to his corner and whispers to his trainer. The trainer shakes his head. Oreo is very animated. He's waving his arms around and seems to be emphatically demanding something of his trainer. The trainer is....is he?....Yes, he's crying a little bit. I'm not sure what's going to.....OH MY STARS! The trainer has bitten Oreo in half! This is barbaric. I can't believe what I've just seen! What an awful end to such a fine cookie.
Hold on just a minute. Fudge Covered has gathered enough strength to walk. Oreo's trainer has stopped mid-chew and there's a look of disbelief on his tear streaked face. It's a look that's a near perfect match for the look of disbelief on every other face in this building, mine included. Oreo is calmly approaching the center of the ring. He's bending towards Nutter Butter but it's difficult to see exactly what's happening from this vantage point. Nutter has no expression on his face. He is leaning. No, no, Nutter is tipping. He's tipping backwards, my friends. He is falling! Both of his separated halves hit the floor. The slight double impact of cookie on canvas makes hollow echos in the stadium. The crowd is confused and quiet. Nutter is not moving. Oreo tips his ragged bite towards the crowd and then towards the judges. I can't quite make out....For the love of all that's good, there's cream on the inside! There's cream on the inside! There! Is! Cream! On! The! In! SIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE!!!!!! He's is covered all over AND throughout with sugar! There isn't a bare spot to be found on or in this youngster!
He's done it ladies and gentleman! Fudge Covered Oreo has dealt the blow that toppled the Nutter Butter. It's over and it's undisputable. I thought I'd never see the day!
Nutter's cleaved halves are being placed on a cookie sheet and carried out. If the mob climbing over itself to scoop handfuls of brown filling from his prone form is any indication, I think we'll be seeing Nutter again. But if not, rest well my peanutty friend. Rest well.