It's all about Coast to Coast

I work nights now and I find myself switching through radio stations quite a bit. It's a whole different thing 3:27am. While flipping around I found a really cool...no, the COOLEST radio show in the world. It's called Coast to Coast. It's pretty much a live performance of Weekly World News. That's the publication which broke such important stories as "Bat Boy Escapes!" and "Wolf Man Catches Aides from Romping with Gays in Forest!". Coast to Coast is brought to us by L.A. radio station KFI 640 which is the the same station that also has brings us "The Jesus Christ Show". From what I've heard, that sounds like a pretty good one too. It gives you the opportunity to call in and ask Jesus himself anything you like. I haven't actually listened yet but some day soon I'm gonna call in and ask him how to safely install a door in a load bearing wall. Anyway, Coast to Coast....Ya got yer aliens. Ya got yer ghosts. And, of course, most topics somehow meander their way to the Illuminati. Who are the Illuminati? Why, they're only the most powerful organization in the world. They are evil, malevolent, snarling beasts who run the New World Order which, of course, wants to control and crush you. Kinda like the DMV but they're not as rude. Here's the thing though. I'm kinda diggin' the Illuminati. I mean, if they're that powerful, and that evil, and they want to do a bad thing to me, they would have done it already. Instead I have a job, a house, and two cars. Thank you Illuminati. Thank you for my stuff.
Speaking of stuff, where's my jet pack? They've been promising me a jet pack since the 1950's. The only thing I can come up with for why they don't have them out on the market yet because they aren't fuel efficient enough. I mean, it probably takes like sixty-eight gallons of rocket fuel to hover over a fifty yard line for ten seconds. I think the only way get your hands on a jet pack at this point is to make it yourself. It also has to utilize an alternative fuel. (Which should totally piss off the Illuminati). I'm thinking water and air. Remember those rockets that you put a little water into and pump up? When you push the button, the pressure is released and a jet of pressurized water squirts the rocket straight up. I bet something kinda like that would be cool. The only problem is that it wouldn't have the sustained thrust to hover you gently to work. You would have to bounce on your bicycle pump for about five minutes and then just kinda aim yourself in the direction of your office building. One push of the button and all of the air and water splooshes out in one violent, neck snapping evacuation sending you cart-wheeling end over end through the air to your place of business with a spent canister strapped to your back. It would probably be prudent to make the far wall of your cubicle higher than the rest so that you could "bank shot" yourself into your adjustable office chair. That would be awesome:

(distant popping sound)
Steve the jet pack guy: yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHHH!!!!!!
(THUD!)
Co-worker #1: Steve's here.
Co-worker #2: You're a bad-ass Steve!
Man, I wish I was Steve.
Oh yeah. Another great thing on Coast to Coast was "Big Foot" night. The best part was when some guy from Arkansas called in and wouldn't say his real name. He told a chilling story about the time he and his buddy (who he would only refer to as "Bird Dog") heard something crashing through the bushes one night during a hunting trip. When they looked in the direction of the noise, they saw something moving on two legs not thirty feet away. What did they do? They shot it. Then they buried it. You know what I think? I think No-Name and Bird-Dog bagged a hiker.
No-Name: ....so we just kinda panicked and started shootin'!
Radio Host: Was it doing anything threatening?
No-Name: Well, we thought it was holding some sorta primative weapon like a rock or somethin'. We was a-scared.
Radio Host: And when you got close to the body, what sort of weapon did you find.
No-Name: Well, turned out to be a roll of Charmin.
Radio Host: Interesting. And how much would you say this creature weighed?
No-Name: You mean with it's shoes on?
Ah well, it's a great show and you gotta check it out. Just don't let the Illuminati catch you listening.

It's game time

So my kid had to have "UNO ATTACK!" and I blame TV. For the 11 months leading up to Christmas, every station redistributes their daytime slots. During this season, 78% of the air time usually reserved for Yu-Gi-Warrior-Poki-Xiao-Princess-Oh is split, more or less, evenly between two basic themes. First, grinning little girls putting jewelry on everything from baby ponies to blood-thirsty mob goons. Second, ten year old boys shaking robots in each other's faces and screaming at the poor camera man. Sprinkled around the field of bejeweled felons and video technicians, who I doubt escape the Yule season without a drinking problem, are a few spots reserved for good old fashioned games. Okay, maybe "good old fashioned" isn't the phrase I'm looking for. I suppose I could still use that description if they were tastefully hocking stuff like Go Fish or Pick-Up-Sticks, but games and their commercials these days need to be X-TREME!!!!

X-TREME: (ex-stream) adj. -
1. Any act or utterance designed to bring about two simultaneous headaches, one stacked upon the other.

I suspect that in order to film a game commercial, the game people have to borrow a couple of screaming ten year olds from the robot people. Then they sit these kids, who even in their most relaxed state have so much energy that they are literally vibrating, around a table with the featured game in front of them. Next, they hit the whole scene with multi-colored strobe lights, change the camera angle every .43 seconds, and pipe in driving guitar rock while off-season Monster Truck announcers growl menacingly about flicking a spinner and counting spaces on a cardboard rectangle. The ten year olds jump up and down while pumping their robotless fists at each other and savagely yelling at the poor camera man (who doesn't typically do robot commercials and will most likely end up sobbing quietly well into the night). That's just the sort of commercial that was produced to advertise "UNO ATTACK".
That is, of course, why DJ had to have it. As my mom says about DJ, "Just like his dad. Anything flashy will do." Earlier this year DJ collected bonus points by selling chocolate covered everything for a fundraiser at school. While going through the catalogue of bonus prizes, he passed up all the musty old educational stuff like chemistry sets and pocket dictionaries and decided instead on something called "nose aerobics" and a pair of inflatable shoes. Now THAT, my friends, is MY boy!
Anyway, here's the deal. Even without the commercial, "UNO ATTACK!" would be considered X-treme by the staunchest of language experts. Speaking of language, I've been told that "uno" is not an English word. I am not the afore mentioned language expert but after playing this game, I'm pretty sure that "uno" is French for "heart".
Here's the premise. It's a card game like regular Uno except it comes with, I kid you not, a uni-directional card flinging device. When the game is played, the players will be sitting around in a circle, innocently laying down red threes and blue twos when next thing you know, some poor sap has to (get this) point the machine at their own face and push the button. The button doesn't always make the machine shoot cards but it does always make a shocking raspy beep. See, that way you never know if it's coming and even if it doesn't, it scares the crap outta ya anway.
You know, I would have loved to be in the board room when this idea got tossed out there.

Big Boss: Whatta ya got for me boys?
Smith: I thought we could design a new board game modeled after the most up to date documentaries from leading producers. You could play alone or in teams. That way it would be based on educational themes and encourage kids to cooperate.
Johnson: I figured we could crank out something that bears a striking resemblance to Russian Roulette.
Big Boss: I like the way you think Johnson. Smith, you're fired.

I wish more of life were like this game. It would be cool if every time you opened the kitchen drawer there were a slight chance that it would shoot vegetable peelers at your eyes. Even if it doesn't, a voice yells "Bah!" I know I'd cook more.
Either way, the kid got his game and he's happy. I just hope it doesn't end up giving me an uno-attack.