Not So Cuddly Now, Are They?

With the election over and Obama heading for the White House, many of us are asking the same question. “What triggers a panda attack?”

First, let us consider the following. Panda bears are not the sweet harmless creatures that many believe them to be. In fact, a panel of scientific experts announced earlier this week, "We've just realized that the second word in panda bear is frickin’ bear. This explains an awful lot and, quite frankly, we're surprised we hadn't noticed earlier. We really need more funding".

If you see a panda bear sitting in its cell, whittling a shiv out of a bamboo shoot, and think to yourself, “Gee, that panda looks like it wants to play.” You’re right. It does want to play….the xylophone….with your femurs. Consider the geniuses who featured prominently in the following news stories by climbing into zoo enclosures:

August 5, 2007: Panda attacks zoo keeper in China

October 23, 2007: Panda attacks 15 year old Li Xitao in Beijing zoo

November 22, 2008: Panda attacks and bites student intruder at China’s Guilin Park

In response to this growing problem, China's leading panda scientist, Schilack Kling Pow, stated in a press conference, "Clearly, to improve panda safety, the first question that must be addressed is, “What the hell happens to peoples' brains in a Chinese zoo?”

The behavior at the root of Dr. Pow's concern is well documented, but poorly understood. When visiting pandas in a zoo, the rational mind generates thoughts such as, "I should stay outside of the animal cages because inside is where the animals are." Yet there's something about Chinese panda exhibits that causes folks to abandon such thoughts and before you can say "mauled to oblivion", over the fence they hop. (Incidentally, this answers the question, "What triggers a panda attack?" The answer is, getting all up in a panda's grill).

The nature lovers referenced above obviously weren't thinking rationally and probably don’t read the scientific journal Nature. If they did, they would have seen the study written by a world famous biologist who noted that in panda grocery stores in the wild, the best selling breakfast cereal is “Chinese Guyz 'N' Starz!” (now with 30% more drunken college students!)

This brings me to the meat of the issue: international diplomacy. Did you know that the Chinese have a trick up their sleeve called, “Panda Diplomacy”? Yeah, it’s a real thing. They garner the good will of foreign nations by handing out panda bears. That, my friends, is truly inspired. They come off looking generous but really all they’re doing is shipping five foot tall mobile buzz saws with blood lust to their enemies. Then the receiving countries will spend untold amounts of money in an effort to get these "gifts" to replicate, thereby sucking money out of the war coffers and amplifying the home-grown carnage potential. It’s brilliant.

I think we should do something similar:

China: Here pal, have a couple of pandas.

America: Gee, thanks China. Please receive this gift as a token of friendship.

Then when they open the box at home, fire ants jump out.

China: You sent us a plague!

America: Our bad. They’re red. We thought you’d like 'em

As soon as Obama gets to the White House, I'm sending him my idea.