Mosh Girl does rule indeed

If you are not aware of her, there is an internet icon out there called "Mosh Girl". She is the coolest thing ever in the history of everything. Here is the famous picture:

Please note the looks of unmitigated horror on the faces of the poor boys in the background.
Now, if you would please, click on the picture to see some hi-Larry-us photoshops featuring mosh girl.

The Flying Darts

When I was kid, I was awesome. Here's a list of awesome things I did:
-Jumped off the house into a pile of leaves
-Jumped off the house with a garbage bag as a parachute
-Jumped off the top of my swing set with a garbage bag as a parachute
-Jumped off the top of my swing set with a kite as a hang glider
-Jumped off the house on to an old mattress
-Jumped out of my tree house
-Jumped out of my other tree house
Come to think of it, shouldn't my parents have been, you know, parenting? Just imagine this and tell me you wouldn't be moved to respond in some way.
You're sitting in the living room watching television when suddenly the blurry silhouette of an eight-year-old blasts straight down past your curtains followed by a sickening thud. Five minutes later it happens again. I don't know. I guess you get used to it after a while, kinda like the noise of living next to train tracks. Oh yeah...
-Jumped out of the way of a speeding train with mere yards to spare
Yep, my childhood was pretty much one long public service commercial illustrating why certain kids should not be allowed to watch certain shows. My favorite show? "The Fall Guy" of course. It was a weekly program in which a stunt man would solve mysteries and thwart kidnappings by jumping off some things and running into other things with Pontiac Firebirds. It was phenomenal.
Here's an idea. They should hire stunt men for positions in law enforcement. Follow me here--I'm robbing a liquor store and a couple of cops stroll in real nonchalant. And then, like he's bored, the one cop mentions, "My partner here wants you to put your hands in the air." Then his partner breaks a chair over his own head. I turn to run and the same guy sets himself on fire. I'm coming along quietly. Ya know what I mean?
So my point is this. I loved the idea of being a stuntman. That's why I had zero trouble agreeing to my big brother's idea. He wanted to form a precision stunt team consisting of just him and me. I'm pretty sure it was a scheme he came up with to get me to stand still while he beat me up but I jumped at the idea and "The Flying Darts!®" dare devil extravaganza was born. We were going to do high-flying stunt shows with fights, falls, breaking glass, the works. Sadly, we never got around to all that stuff because we decided to create and develop the finale first. It was beautiful in its simplicity. My brother would jump on his bike and ride to the end of the street. I would jump on my bike and ride to the other end of the street. We would then pedal as hard as we could toward each other. (Here's where you get involved.) Right when we were about to collide we would:
(A) Swerve in opposite directions to narrowly and thrillingly avoid a horrifying head on collision
(B) Slam on the breaks and bump front wheels together
(C) Jump off our bikes and roll safely onto the grass
(D) Nothing. Just slam bike-to-bike, face-to-face in a horrifying head on collision.
If you chose 'D', you're a winner.
It must have been quite a sight for the neighbors. Not that they weren't used to being treated to "quite a sight" pretty much every time I came home from school. I use to ride around the neighborhood on my metallic red Schwinn Stingray.

See that sissy-bar sticking up from the back of the seat? That's where I would tie the strings that were attached to a folded paper bag that I would sit on. When I stood up, the wind would catch the bag and it would pop out like a drag racer's parachute. Not cool enough for ya? How about this? I would ride around with a McDonald's French fry box on my head like a hat. Again, awesome. (And no, I am not kidding)
It was a quality stunt we had going there. Sure, there was a little blood and it took a while to untangle ourselves after each "performance", but it was a big hit with the other kids in the neighborhood (sadistic little bastards).
Sadly, after three or four "shows" one of the neighbors went over to our house and knocked on the door. She spoke briefly to my mother who immediately came over to where we were pulling my arm out of my brother's spokes and did a little parenting. "The Flying Darts!®" was immediately dissolved and its members placed under strict orders not to develop another stunt-themed exhibition. She even took away my bike and my French fry hat for two whole weeks. Man, that's like cutting Samson's hair. I suppose I should at least be happy that she took an interest in our hobby. You know? As soon as it gets light outside, I think I'm gonna jump off the house just for old time's sake.

Battle Royale

(ding ding ding ding ding)
Good evening, ladies and gentleman!
In this corner weighing in at .17 ounces and draped in deliciousness...
Prepared to go toe to toe with any other confection.
Pounding competition 'till it loses sense of direction.
Killing all other snacks beyond hope of resurrection.
The sweet.
Not so petite.
Sporting more fat than a wagon of meat.
The Fudge!
Covered!
oooooOOOOOOOOREEEEEEeeeeoooooo!!!!!!!!!!


And in this corner, the grizzled old timer. Weighing a scant .13 ounces but packed with creamy, peanutty, panache.
You've known him since you were two.
Without him you'd wouldn't know what to do.
The Nutter BUTTERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Our contenders confidently sidle up to one another. There will be no backing down in this winner take all grudge match.
The Nutter Butter throws a quick jab of tradition which is immediately turned away by the Oreo's novelty.
Oreo spins, crouches, and leans back. He's striking an early low blow by comparing his smooth exterior to the harsh grid that mars the surface of the Nutter Butter.
The veteran appears un-phased, releases a cascade of childhood memories, and the newfangled treat buckles.
Could this be over already, folks? There was a lot of excitement about this young up-start but it looks as though he....wait! He's getting up and...I can't believe it. Oreo reveals his higher sugar content! Nutter Butter is reeling! He's on the ropes and Oreo is advancing. Oh my word! This could get ugly. Pow! Nutter Butter strikes back and strikes back hard with higher fat content. I didn't think it was possible. It would have been tough to guess that his slender waste belies such an incredible amount of tasty fat! The Oreo looks shocked, bewildered even. I don't think anyone expected that.
Nutter Butter looks like he's getting cocky. He throws out an ingredient. It's real peanuts. That may be a mistake, folks. Nutter Butter is really showing his age. He still thinks that people care if he contains actual food. He's wide open! Oreo slams Nutter Butter with an un-interrupted stream of hydrogenated oil! Its tastiness is undeniable! Nutter Butter is down, ladies and gentlemen! He is down!
As Nutter struggles to regain his feet, Fudge Covered Oreo is prancing around the ring with his sticky sugary hands in the air.
Nutter is up again. He refuses to give in. What in the world is he doing? Nutter Butter is up and appears to be grappling with his seam. Oreo turns to see. The look on his fudge covered face can mean only one thing. He's scared, folks. He knows what's coming and he's scared.
Pow! Nutter Butter, in a gutsy move, has torn himself completely in two! He pulled his signature move, folks! He's exposed his peanut buttery insides and displayed the delicious goo in its fullest glory. None can deny the appeal of that sticky layer. It's a bold move. The peanut butter presentation is a wonderful thing to behold but it leaves Nutter's other half naked and dry to the palate. It's a real gamble. Will it pay off?
Oreo trips. Oreo leans on the ropes. Oreo falls! I think we're at the end. But wait. Oreo struggles to his corner and whispers to his trainer. The trainer shakes his head. Oreo is very animated. He's waving his arms around and seems to be emphatically demanding something of his trainer. The trainer is....is he?....Yes, he's crying a little bit. I'm not sure what's going to.....OH MY STARS! The trainer has bitten Oreo in half! This is barbaric. I can't believe what I've just seen! What an awful end to such a fine cookie.
Hold on just a minute. Fudge Covered has gathered enough strength to walk. Oreo's trainer has stopped mid-chew and there's a look of disbelief on his tear streaked face. It's a look that's a near perfect match for the look of disbelief on every other face in this building, mine included. Oreo is calmly approaching the center of the ring. He's bending towards Nutter Butter but it's difficult to see exactly what's happening from this vantage point. Nutter has no expression on his face. He is leaning. No, no, Nutter is tipping. He's tipping backwards, my friends. He is falling! Both of his separated halves hit the floor. The slight double impact of cookie on canvas makes hollow echos in the stadium. The crowd is confused and quiet. Nutter is not moving. Oreo tips his ragged bite towards the crowd and then towards the judges. I can't quite make out....For the love of all that's good, there's cream on the inside! There's cream on the inside! There! Is! Cream! On! The! In! SIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE!!!!!! He's is covered all over AND throughout with sugar! There isn't a bare spot to be found on or in this youngster!
He's done it ladies and gentleman! Fudge Covered Oreo has dealt the blow that toppled the Nutter Butter. It's over and it's undisputable. I thought I'd never see the day!
Nutter's cleaved halves are being placed on a cookie sheet and carried out. If the mob climbing over itself to scoop handfuls of brown filling from his prone form is any indication, I think we'll be seeing Nutter again. But if not, rest well my peanutty friend. Rest well.