A game of cups and robbers

Last week at DJ's karate class, Sensei Scott made a general announcement. "Okay, this is just for the guys. Starting next week, we won't let you train unless you have a cup." Oh no he didn't. He did not just say what I thought he said. I waited. I thought to myself, "Come on, Sensei Scott. A cup of.......?" But that was it. He was done talking.
I'm a pretty shy person in general. I don't even like to shop for underwear. Suddenly, out of the blue, I'm staring down the barrel of a trip to Big 5 in which I have to buy one of...."those" (shudder). So yesterday I just sucked it up and walked into Big 5 ready to do what must be done and get out. I slunk through the door wanting to grab my jock strap and escape without drawing any attention to myself. The problem is, they weren't out in plain sight. It would be nice if they had a display right by the front door with a big flashing arrow pointing at them next to a cardboard box. Then I could just run up to the display, grab one, chuck ten bucks in the box and run out with my jacket over my head. That would suit me just fine.
Instead, I had to go on an uncomfortable hunt. My shoulders were a little hunched, my hands in my pockets, and I made a point of not making eye contact with any of the staff. "Nobody look at me. Nobody look at me. Nobody look at me." Okay, I had my "don't look at me walk" working. I circled the shop a couple of times, peering into the center now and then hoping to catch a glimpse of the "prize". Now that I think about it, that's probably exactly the way I would walk through Big 5 if I were, oh let's say, a shoplifter.
"Sir!" It was a big booming voice. I turned around (along with every other customer in the store) and there stands the manager. Balding, mustache, slight drawl. I swear, I thought at first it was Dr. Phil. "Sir!" says Dr. Phil, "Can I help you find something, because you are walking ALL AROUND this store." AAAAHHHH!!!!! People are looking! People are looking! At that moment I felt the same terror I would feel if I had turned around and seen a train coming. I thought, "Okay, calm down, let's try to be nonchalant." I blurt out way too fast, "I-need-a-cup-for-a-five-year-old-boy!" Oh yeah baby, now that's smooth. I've just been promoted to creepy shoplifter.
The guy was obviously suspicious but led me to the proper display and stood next to it, staring at me. It was a stare that said, "I dare you to buy one just to prove you're not shoplifting."
I stood there, rummaging through athletic supporters, trying to figure out which size DJ would wear. As I went about my task the manager found an empty box hanging on the display. He held the box up to me and said, "Now, who would steal a jock strap?"
"NOT ME! THAT'S WHO, DR. PHIL!" I grabbed one marked "youth regular" and ran for the register.
Wouldn't you know it, the clerk had to be a woman. It's a good thing they keep the guns locked up behind a counter because I might have just shot myself.
"Hello, sir. How are you today?"
I wanted to yell, "I'm not a creepy shoplifter that takes jock straps that don't belong to him, if that's what you're asking!" Instead I just said, "Fine, thanks." and handed her my credit card. I looked back and the manager was standing where I left him with his arms crossed, staring at me.
I paid. I got the goods. I ran for my life. I guess I showed Dr. Phil a thing or two. I swear, if DJ ever needs one of those things again in the future, he can just wear the one I bought him yesterday. I don't care if it only fits around one leg. That's just the way it's gonna be.